| The data suggests that about two-thirds of all children | | | | the "stationmasters" at the center of the complex |
| diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) | | | | process of managing family life. When they are |
| become adults with ADD. That means that a few | | | | burdened with the symptoms of ADD, the effects |
| million men and women are married to someone with | | | | ripple through the household which ends up operating in |
| ADD. Often it isn't even recognized until either a child is | | | | various degrees of chaos. This is usually exacerbated |
| diagnosed and the parent sees the same patterns of | | | | by the fact the heritability of ADD usually means at |
| behavior in him/herself or an astute couples therapist | | | | least one child with the same diagnosis who needs |
| recognizes the presence of the disorder as a core | | | | more structure at home than other children. The |
| issue in their problem. | | | | mother and child with the same set of problems often |
| The symptoms are common. Forgetfulness, disorder, | | | | are constantly clashing, two trains that are forever |
| impulsivity, lateness, job problems, and, for many, an | | | | going off their tracks, frequently as a result of running |
| agitation that replaces the hyperactivity that may have | | | | into each other! |
| been part of the childhood disorder. But there are also | | | | Often, adults with ADD marry someone who is |
| the non-observable symptoms, those remnants of a | | | | particularly well-organized. Potentially that could be |
| childhood gone awry: The lack of confidence from | | | | helpful, but only when there is an early understanding |
| being a chronic underachiever, the shame of being | | | | of the nature of ADD and roles and expectations are |
| constantly yelled at or punished for messing up, the | | | | properly established before too much damage is done. |
| sense of always letting others down. All of these | | | | Otherwise, messiness becomes a source of constant |
| issues have the potential to be significant barriers to a | | | | significant criticism and lateness frequently sets off |
| successful, intimate relationship. | | | | exploding frustrations. |
| By the time a couple seeks help, there is usually a | | | | Unpaid bills are seen as a serious failing that an |
| serious accumulation of hurt and disappointment. | | | | organized adult cannot fathom. In fact, there are many |
| Messed up money management, incidents where | | | | issues which the organized spouse cannot understand |
| children's needs weren't taken care of, and career | | | | or accept. "How could you ignore that pile of bills on |
| struggles are all common complaints. But perhaps the | | | | your desk?" "What do you mean you forgot to pick up |
| deepest hurt of all is that the non-ADD spouse has | | | | Jennifer at 4?" "I hate walking into this kitchen when I |
| come to interpret the failures of the ADD spouse as a | | | | get home from work. How can you leave such a |
| sign of not caring. The inability to change problem | | | | mess?" These, and many more plaintiff cries are |
| behaviors is seen as a lack of desire to change. If you | | | | common and become trigger points for painful, often |
| really loved me you would stop screwing up. That's the | | | | explosive, confrontations. |
| destructive mantra. The couple often is sitting there | | | | Of course, once the ADD is properly diagnosed, steps |
| with one spouse virtually out the door and the other | | | | can be taken to reduce symptoms. Medication will |
| pleading to keep the marriage intact. | | | | sometimes make a remarkable difference, but it |
| Properly diagnosing ADD as a central component of | | | | doesn't always work or it may only partially help. |
| the problem is not a magical elixir. Old hurts are not | | | | Furthermore sometimes it generates unpleasant side |
| easily forgotten. Old behaviors don't necessarily | | | | effects that eliminate its use. But, even when meds |
| change. But certainly an education of what ADD | | | | are very helpful, other strategies are needed. Time and |
| means in the life of an adult is an important starting | | | | task management are key ones. List making is virtually |
| point. Both spouses need to read books such as Sari | | | | essential but it's not always easy to find a way to |
| Solden's "Women with Attention Deficit Disorder", | | | | make lists work. Modern technology is helping with |
| Kathy Nadeau's "A Comprehensive Guide to Attention | | | | those personal organizers that can even remind you |
| Deficit Disorder in Adults" and her equally helpful "ADD | | | | when you need to check to see what you were |
| in the Workplace." Then there is the aptly titled "You | | | | supposed to do. But one also has to avoid misplacing |
| Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy!" by Kelly and | | | | the PDA or find/look at the list for it to be helpful. |
| Ramundo. In addition, becoming members of Children | | | | One of the most common issues is poor time |
| and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder | | | | estimation. Adults with ADD typically underestimate the |
| (CHADD) is very helpful. Their website, is a valuable | | | | amount of time it will take to do something by about |
| resource, as are their publications, conferences, and | | | | 50%. Part of the reason is inherent to the disorder. The |
| local support groups. | | | | adult with ADD is easily distracted by something of |
| ADD impacts marriages in a variety of ways. First, | | | | greater appeal in the midst of whatever task she is |
| gender roles, though changed over the years, still retain | | | | doing. Both spouses need to understand this and make |
| important differences in marriage and family process. | | | | accommodations for it. |
| Therefore the impact of the disorder will be different | | | | This makes for a nice lead into one of the most |
| for each. Second, there is a wide range of intensity of | | | | important, central challenges for these couples: |
| symptoms, from virtually routine problems with | | | | accommodation. It requires the earlier recommendation |
| concentration, attention, and impulse control to extreme | | | | of acquiring a full understanding of the disorder. Then |
| difficulties in these areas. Clearly where one falls on | | | | see what changes can be achieved through |
| this continuum has a significant impact on potential | | | | medication and other strategies. Once the dust settles |
| problems in the relationship. | | | | from these first steps, the couple must have the |
| A central aspect of the couples work often focuses | | | | flexibility to revisit how they manage their lives and |
| on altering unrealistic expectations for change and the | | | | learn to make changes in roles and responsibilities that |
| concepts of responsibility, trust, and respect. It is not | | | | will create a more functionally successful relationship. In |
| just the idea that the spouse with ADD is seen as | | | | turn, that can potentially allow for a more loving |
| irresponsible and /or uncaring in his frequent screw-ups | | | | relationship. But this can be a formidable challenge. |
| of money or time management, forgetting to take care | | | | It may mean that the father with ADD should become |
| of an important child-related task or failing to | | | | the primary caretaker and the mother, the primary |
| remember something important to his spouse. Wives | | | | earner. It may mean the spouse with ADD may have |
| carry the female's tendency to feel responsible for | | | | to be given a weekly allowance and no credit cards |
| "fixing" others, resulting in her own sense of failure as | | | | because of an irreversible history of impulsive |
| well. In addition, women especially focus on the | | | | spending. It may mean that a father cannot be |
| relationship aspects of life and are more inclined to see | | | | expected to help his children with their homework or a |
| their husbands' problems as a statement about the | | | | mother may need to turn the kitchen over to her |
| marriage than a chronic "disorder" residing within the | | | | husband, who in turn must be willing to accept that role. |
| husband. | | | | It may alter decisions about what career options are |
| Men usually see achievement as the core of their | | | | really doable and where a family should live. |
| sense of worth, so their inability to be a good provider | | | | Thus, in many ways, while making the diagnosis is |
| or to manage delegated family/home responsibilities | | | | critical for the potential to resolve the marital crisis, that |
| feeds into their old "narrative" of being an incompetent | | | | diagnosis is really the easiest step the couple faces. |
| loser. These husbands often try to defend against the | | | | Establishing a mutually empathetic and truly |
| pain of owning that feeling by covering it up with | | | | cooperative partnership is the much more challenging |
| criticism and anger towards others. Sometimes, | | | | task, especially with a history of hurt and |
| however, their response is very opposite: A passive | | | | disappointment getting in the way. But the reward for |
| withdrawal into the proverbial male "cave" to avoid | | | | such an effort can be important enough to make it |
| more failures. | | | | worthwhile. To develop a marriage that works and be |
| ADD in wives is especially challenging in marriage and | | | | able to keep a family intact is, as the old commercial |
| family roles. Women, regardless of career roles, are | | | | says, priceless. |