| "Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you | | | | the reflective work you do when you're not in conflict. |
| answer the phone?" - James Thurber | | | | Learn what triggers you and why you're |
| Conflict triggers or your "hot buttons" are the emotional | | | | triggered---get back to the source. Kottler's book is an |
| responses set off by the words or actions of others | | | | excellent resource to walk you through that process. |
| during difficult conversations. While it's a common | | | | Skipping this self-work is like building a house without a |
| expression to say, "He presses my buttons," or "She's | | | | foundation. |
| baiting me," your hot buttons say more about you than | | | | 2. Teach yourself alternative responses. Once you are |
| they do the other person. More often that not in | | | | aware of the kinds of words or actions that trigger |
| conflict, you perceive something as bait whether or not | | | | you and can recognize bait (intended or unintended) |
| that's the other person's intention. And when you feel | | | | when you see it, you're ready to add alternative |
| baited, you may act accordingly---sometimes badly. | | | | responses to your repertoire. Robert Bolton's book |
| You feel triggered during conflict when you perceive | | | | People Skills is a good resource rich with practical tips. |
| the other person's words or actions as threatening to | | | | 3. Practice during low-stakes situations. You probably |
| your identity in some way. Common triggers include | | | | wouldn't take Spanish 101 and then offer your services |
| real or perceived threats to your competence, worth, | | | | as an interpreter for the U.N. Practice your alternative |
| freedom, and sense of being included. Beyond Blame | | | | responses in day-to-day situations with low-stakes |
| author Jeffrey Kottler suggests that people chomp | | | | outcomes. When the higher-stake disputes arise, you'll |
| down on bait as a self-protective mechanism based | | | | be better able to stay balanced and access your good |
| on past experiences. | | | | skills. |
| Your hot buttons can trip you up in conflict because | | | | 4. In the heat of the moment, stop. Try to note of your |
| they cause you to misinterpret, close down, lash out or | | | | physiological state, body language and tone of voice. A |
| take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger | | | | "hot face," sweating, loud voice, shaking, tears, and |
| a set of emotional responses that may contribute to | | | | clenched teeth are physiological signals that you're |
| escalation. When you're triggered, your brain may | | | | feeling emotionally flooded and suggest that you've |
| experience what's called a "neural hijacking." The brain | | | | been triggered. Allow time for your thinking brain to |
| perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency and | | | | catch up. Some people teach themselves subtle cues |
| moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that | | | | to stop, such as saying "time out," pinching the skin on |
| the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet | | | | the inside of their wrist, or taking one minute to breathe |
| fully comprehend what's happening. So, you're off and | | | | deeply. Figure out, through experimentation, what |
| running. | | | | works for you. |
| While saying "she presses my buttons" suggests it's | | | | 5. Take a cool-down period, but don't use the time to |
| the other person's job to stop doing it, only you can | | | | dwell on your anger or the other person's frustrating |
| manage your own triggers. Everyone's bait is a little | | | | behavior. Instead do something to distract yourself |
| different, so what triggers me may not trigger you. | | | | entirely for about 20 minutes, the time it typically takes |
| This is why blaming others for baiting you isn't very | | | | for your emotional flooding to recede. |
| effective: you waste energy expecting them to | | | | 6. Beware of venting as a regular strategy. While it's a |
| change what they're doing, when only you can change | | | | popular notion that venting makes people feel better |
| our own reactions. | | | | and helps get the emotional noise out of the way, |
| So, how do you sidestep bait instead of playing the | | | | research suggests that if you use this approach |
| blame game? Here are some effective approaches | | | | repeatedly, the opposite effect occurs. While it may |
| for identifying, recognizing and managing conflict | | | | feel good in the moment, venting anger as your normal |
| triggers. | | | | mode may make you more angry and push your body |
| | | | and brain into a heightened state of anxiety or rage. |
| 1. Begin with what I call "self-work." Keeping your | | | | Copyright © 2004 and 2006 by Tammy Lenski. |
| balance during conflict is in large part dependent upon | | | | All rights reserved. |